Look, I’ve had a truly genius idea for an incident management tool (inspired by a conversation with a fantastic work colleague), and I’m pretty sure it’s the only honest one out there. I call it “Stoopid Uumans“, or “SU” for short. You know, like “super user” in development, but in this case, it’s for when you’re forced to admit that the problem is, in fact, you. The command would be /su start incident, which is just the most magnificent admission of defeat you can type.

Once you enter that command, the system would launch an incident based on the only framework that truly understands chaos: Vampire: The Masquerade. Because, frankly, only immortal beings with centuries of experience are qualified to handle human error. The roles would map perfectly. You would obviously need to select your clan at the start.

“The Tremere“, with their meticulous blood magic and arcane rituals, would be our incident managers. They wouldn’t use some banal flow chart; they’d dissect the root of the problem with a chilling, surgical precision that leaves no room for human sentiment.

The Ventrue, with all their aristocratic charm and condescending airs, would naturally be the product managers and communication leads. They’re the masters of spin, able to frame a complete system meltdown as a “strategic evolution” and a minor bug as a “unique user experience.” They would write post-mortems and update statements so elegantly passive-aggressive you’d feel compelled to apologize for your own existence.

And of course, the Brujah would be our SMEs. They have no patience for the Ventrue’s politics or the Tremere’s rituals. They just want to get in, apply the most aggressive fix possible, and then loudly complain about the sheer incompetence that necessitated their intervention in the first place. Their approach is direct and effective, and in the midst of a crisis, you really can’t ask for more.

For those moments when you’re completely lost, the help command is a fitting act of submission. Just type /su help and some text (in other words whatever the poor soul who wrote the tool ages ago before all the updates thought should be in docs) will provide you with one, cryptic hint before disappearing into the shadows. If things are truly dire and you need to beg for a resolution, /su emergency will summon a powerful Elder (be wary – it comes at a cost of being told you are wrong again and again). They’ll fix your problem, but you’ll be left with a vague, unsettling feeling of being eternally in their debt for having to clean up your mortal mess. It’s a system built for a world of pure, unadulterated, and wonderfully amusing human failure.

Have fun children of the black screen!